Extraordinary Me

In these hard times, it’s nice to come home from a long day of work and get lost in a movie.

Coming home from a job where you just took a pay cut and watching this movie is not the way to go.

It must be Sissy Spacek month on Encore. Yes, Encore. There once was a time that I had all the movie channels, then I decided that I wanted to eat, so I dropped them. The Encore package comes free with Comcast digital cable.

Thus the review of all these old movies.

So, The River is based on a true story of Tennessee farmers who worked as scabs in steel mills to keep their farms out of foreclosure. I think a scab is a person who comes in and works for less money while the contracted workers are striking.

The movie starts out with Mel Gibson and Sissy Spacek battling back the rising flood waters with their two sons. Whoops, did I say sons? You’ll learn about 45 minutes into the film that one of the kids is, in fact, a girl.

Don’t watch this movie if you’re aquaphobic, as the two long flood scenes will have you calling in the Coast Guard to get plucked off your roof.

And if you like your movies with a lot of dialogue, skip this Tennesse yokel fest. The script must have been about 10 pages long.

The movie plays out like one big Macroeconomics lesson. Or was it Microeconomics? I skipped those classes in college.

The message from this little slice of Americana is that farming is hard and developers are evil.

It will have you running right out to do the things that are supposed to kick start this struggling economy, like switching to Allstate, driving a KIA, watching NBC Nightly News and buying a boat.

Young Mel Gibson + great actress Sissy Spacek - boring Tennessee yokels =

SIZZLE FACTOR: 5

I had just signed a lease on my new apartment in a new town.

Driving home to pack up my things, I lost the tread on my back tire on the interstate. My car spun out of control and I hit the guardrail twice, head on, going about 75 mph.

I’ve had a nagging shoulder ache ever since.

Thankfully, someone finally invented this.

It’s hard to believe we’ve settled for scrunching and folding toilet paper for over a century. What kind of heathens are we?

Wiping your ass with your hands is simply archaic and disgusting.

Luckily, the Comfort Wipe has finally come along to help us. Although if you’re an old lady, there are apparently people who will help you.

The Comfort Wipe extends your reach a full 18 inches, which, as the man claims in the ad, comes in handy.

I did a little measuring in my bathroom using a 16′ ruler I found in the desk drawer.

First, my bathroom:

With an additional 16 inches of reach, I could:

Turn off the light, in case I’m sitting there so long, night becomes day.

Perhaps I need to crack a window. No problem:

Good kitty.

All of these measurements led me to this conclusion.

You have to be a MASSIVE fat ass to need an additional 18 inches to reach your butt crack.

I also learned that my bathroom is apparently not equal opportunity when it comes to the physically fit-challenged.

And I learned one more thing from the Comfort Wipe commercial.

It can be a sad, slippery slope when you get out of the news business and need work.

I originally planned to call this “The Summer of 1000 Movies.”

Then I did the math and figured out that 1000 movies, averaging two hours a piece to watch, would take roughly 11 weeks to watch. Eleven weeks IF I watched movies 24 hours a day.

So we’ll just stick with 100.

My goal is to watch and review 100 movies this summer, both at home and at the movie theater.

Seeing as how my last proposed blog series died a quick death back in January, we’ll see if I can keep up with this.

I had never seen a Star Trek movie in my life. I watched a couple episodes of TNG, but that’s only because I was a kid and I thought wHil wHeaton wHas pretty cute.

I thoroughly my first Trekkie experience. The movie was action-packed, filled with good special effects and simply fun to watch. A perfect summer blockbuster.

However, there comes a point in some careers where a celebrity simply can’t morph into a character anymore. Take for example, Tom Cruise. Real life Tom Cruise is so looney tunes, I feel like he can’t be taken seriously in any role anymore.

The same could be said for Winona Ryder. After countless coming-of-age movies and one shoplifting scandal, it’s hard to see her as anything BUT Winona Ryder. I half-expected Spock’s mom to get all neurotic and leave Spock’s dad for a grungy Vulcan rocker dude.

And DON’T get me started on Tyler Perry.

To sum up Star Trek:

Hot dudes (Kirk and Spock) + good action - weird cameos =

SIZZLE FACTOR: 8

I loved this movie as a tween, so I recently watched to see if it would stand the test of time.

It failed.

First of all, who did they think they were fooling slapping a moustache on Kurt Russell and having him play both father and son characters?

My next question, who is this random Baldwin that hasn’t found his way to NBC? He’s no Alec, but he’s sure a lot better than Stephen or Daniel.

And the most glaring question, why the hell was De Niro in this?

There are a couple good action scenes and it’s a much better fire movie than some (try to be a little more cliche Ladder 49).

De Niro + Firefighters (yum) - being too cheap to cast someone else as the dad =

SIZZLE FACTOR: 5

It was my duty, as my father’s daughter, to go see this movie. In his opinion, Terminator 2 is the movie against which all other movies should be judged.

Christian Bale is hot, that’s all there is to it. But can someone PLEASE get the guy a Ricola? The guy’s had a scratchy throat for three years now.

This movie will not go down as a classic like Terminator 2, but it’s a fun, futuristic war movie. The special effects are great, the characters repeat some of their classic lines and the giant machines are just downright scary-looking.

Christian Bale + scary machines - Christian Bale’s permanent laryngitis =

SIZZLE FACTOR: 7

At the same age that I was still playing with Barbies, Loretta Lynn was getting married and having babies. She had four kids by the age of 18 and was a country superstar by her mid-20s.

This movie follows the familiar formula of other musician biopics. Person comes from nothing, gets famous, gets addicted to drugs, overcomes and returns better than ever.

Sissy Spacek did all of her own singing in this movie and she’s quite good. She won the Best Actress Oscar for this role and it’s easy to see why.

She also has fantastic chemistry with Tommy Lee Jones, who’s actually kind of sexy in this. It’s just a great story all around.

Great performances + Tommy Lee Jones - TLJ being sexy (he’s crazy old now) =

SIZZLE FACTOR: 8

The highlight of this Mystery Science Theater 3000 collection has to be Angels Revenge. It’s a bad Charlie’s Angels rip off with some truly terrible acting, but the jokes are just hilarious.

It’s MST3K, there’s nothing else to say about it. It’s awesome.

Bad movies + talking robots =

SIZZLE FACTOR: 10

Another movie that fails the test of time. Although, maybe it wasn’t all that funny to begin with.

We’ll just move right along.

Saddam Hussein portrayed as a bumbling idiot - most of the movie =

SIZZLE FACTOR: 4

I admit it. I only went to see this movie because Bradley Cooper is fine. I thought he was fine since the time he co-starred with Jason Priestly in that Family Channel made-for-TV movie.

Wow, I can be really lame sometimes.

I LOVED this movie. It’s raunchy at times, possibly offensive at others and often laugh out loud hilarious.

The three main characters are great together. There are laughs from the beginning of the movie to the closing credits. I only wish I was better at remembering movie quotes because I’d have at least a week’s worth of Facebook statuses.

I did notice a few people walk out at certain points of the movie, so if you can’t take a dirty joke, wait until it hits Comedy Central in ten years.

Bradley Cooper + Fat Jesus + the guy from The Office + LOLz =

SIZZLE FACTOR: 9

So there ya go. Emme’s first guide of what to watch this summer. Coming up next: Transformers 2 and a bevy of chick flicks.

I bet you’re already on the edge of your seat.

Billy Mays and Anthony Sullivan have a new show coming to Discovery TV. It’s called “Pitchmen” and the two try out new products and make mini-infomercials for them.

In other words, it’s TV GOLD.

Billy and Anthony are more than just yellers and sellers, they’re SAVIORS!

Let’s look back at some of the horrific problems brought from the seedy underworld to society’s forefront thanks to their infomercials.

You know the sh*t’s about to hit the fan when an old guy starts grimacing.

If you can’t hear, you might miss BINGO.

And what kind of lowlife, third-world scum waits for water to boil?

Don’t let this happen to you:

You know things are really getting bad when the world goes black and white.

Here are three signs of an impending apocalypse.

Body pains when planting tomatoes:

Involuntary convulsions while flipping small hamburgers:

Blankets that trap you inside:

So here’s to you Billy and Anthony. Keep fighting the good fight!

But you’ve got nothing on this chick:

She looks like a saleswoman who really knows how to seal the deal…

…If you get what I’m saying.

Thanks for the inspiration, Copus.

Ft. Pierce gained national attention last week when a woman called 911 three times because she paid for McNuggets and didn’t get them.

I’m happy to report Ft. Pierce has McNuggets once again. I ate some tonight.

What people living outside the area don’t realize is that crazy stuff like this happens ALL THE TIME around here.

It just doesn’t make the national news.

A buddy of mine works for the local newspaper. He’s in charge of checking the arrest reports for all the St. Lucie County law enforcement agencies.

I think there are more wackos per square mile in St. Lucie County than anywhere else on earth. Will finds them all and writes about them.

So without further ado, I present to you some of his best reports:

Of course, the McNuggets story, in which he includes this line:

McNuggets, introduced to the McDonald’s national menu in 1983, are sold in more than 100 countries and often are dunked in barbecue or hot mustard sauce. Goodman’s 10-piece selection has 460 calories and 29 grams of fat.

One of my personal favorites: A woman goes to a guy’s house and opens his sardines and vienna sausages. According to the arrest report, the man

“told her not to disrespect him in his house and punched her several times.”

The best part of this story is the pictures.

And who could forget Cross-dresser loses fake breast in PSL purse snatching?

“I started screaming, saying the woman had stolen my purse, and (a witness) said, ‘That wasn’t a woman,’ ” Fournier recalled. “I said, ‘Are you sure,’ and she said ‘I’m positive,’ she said, ‘See what fell out of the top of his blouse.’ “

The firefighter who took a severed foot from a car crash scene made headlines across the state.

Last but not least, the Pièce de résistance:

Man claims 300-pound prostitute robbed him

“The female approached asking (the victim) did he want a date, which meant she wanted him to pay for some sex,” the report states.

The victim told investigators he felt sorry for the woman and pulled $10 from his wallet to give to her. That’s when she allegedly pushed him off his bicycle and wrestled him down. She snatched his wallet, stole $100 and then pedaled off.

Enjoy some of the wacky stories from Florida’s Treasure Coast, more specifically St. Lucie County.

I’m off to get more McNuggets. If they don’t have them, I’m calling the cops.

Florida has more than 100 specialty license plates covering everything from Agriculture to Agricultural Education.

“Wait,” you’re saying. “That sounds like the same thing.”

I agree, confused reader, but the state of Florida does not, which is why they have two plates governing Agriculture.

Most of the tags support a cause or have some kind of agenda they’re trying to push on unsuspecting drivers.

Which is why I think Florida needs a few MORE tags…for equal representation, of course.

A big hit with Florida drivers is the Save the Manatees Tag:

So why don’t we have this one?

If you’ve driven in Florida, especially in the Republican-voting Panhandle, you’ve surely seen this controversial one before:

I propose this one, just to even things out a bit:

(That’s a picture of Jack Kevorkian in case you can’t tell.)

Now, I thought this one was incorrect:

What kind of flower is that anyway?

I think this is a little more accurate:

Finally, there’s the hottest selling plate in the state:

I racked my brain trying to come up with something that would be the opposite of the greatest school in the state…nay, the country.

What could possibly illustrate that kind of suckiness?

Oh wait, Florida already has that tag:

Down in New Orleans
Where the blues was born
It takes a cool cat
To blow a horn
On LaSalle and Rampart Street
The combo’s there with a mambo beat

While you stroll in New Orleans
You ought to go see the Mardi Gras
If you go to New Orleans
You ought to go see the Mardi Gras
When you see the Mardi Gras
Somebody’ll tell you what’s Carnival for

Claiborne Street is rocking from one side to the other
The joints are jamin’, packing, and I’m bout to smother
All because it’s Carnival Time, oooooohhh, it’s Carnival Time!

Talking bout hey now (hey now)
Hey now (hey now)
Iko iko, iko iko unday
Jockomo feeno ah na nay
Jockomo feena nay

It’s time I’m walkin’ to New Orleans
I’m walkin’ to New Orleans
I’m going to need two pair of shoes
When I get through walkin’ to you
When I get back to New Orleans

Kyle Wahl lost his first tooth last week.

The 5-year old made a wish, he wanted to go to Disney World.

Kyle never made it.

After a long battle with brain cancer, Kyle died Tuesday night.

I’ve covered a lot of sad stories in my career, but this one really hurts. Many times, when I do a story about someone who dies, I never get the chance to meet them. I talk to their friends or family, and learn about their life through pictures, never meeting the person who’s passed away.

I knew Kyle. Not well, but I’d covered a couple of stories with his family.

He had an amazing spirit. A typical 5-year old, he could barely sit still for the interview. The last time we talked to him, just a couple weeks ago, he would look at himself in the camera lens and make faces. I could barely get through the interview, I was laughing so hard.

And he loved to beat me at Lego Star Wars. Sneaky kid would always kill my character and steal my studs.

Kyle had been through several rounds of chemotherapy and radiation without success. He got accepted into a medical study in New York and his family headed up there in the hopes of a cure.

But Kyle’s condition worsened quickly. By Monday, doctors said his kidneys were failing and even with the medications that were regulating his blood pressure and heart rate, he’d only live for a few more days.

He was in tremendous pain, so his parents made the heartbreaking decision to stop the medications earlier this evening.

Surrounded by his family, Kyle’s little heart slowed to a stop.

His family’s pain is just beginning. They owe more than $100,000 in medical bills, they’re likely going to lose their home and in a couple of days, they’ll have to bury the boy who was so full of life.

Tonight, I’ll say a prayer and toast a beer in memory of Kyle Wahl.

And maybe I’ll play a level of Lego Star Wars too.

Dr. Phil did a show today on people who text all the time. I have no problem admitting I’m one of them.

I just LOVE texting. I’ll text from morning ’til night…well really, from morning ’til morning because I sleep with the phone next to my head in case I get texted.

I twitter and update my facebook status. I e-mail and check out the latest news. I’m on my phone constantly.

Unfortunately the phone I like to text most is out of commission tonight.

My thumbs are itchy. I’ve got the shakes. Definite signs of withdrawal. Which is why I’m trying to keep my hands occupied by blogging from my phone.

It sucks.

Come back, Blackjack from the 405. This 407 misses you.

After finally putting away the Christmas decorations, my condo feels a little bare.

You can once again see the cable running from my TV, up around the sliding glass door, down the wall and over to my computer.

And boy, do I have a lot of wall space in here. Boring, white walls.

I interviewed a woman last week in a condo full of her own artwork. And I read the blogs of several talented artists, one who claims art is just a bunch of hype.

He convinced me to give it a try and thanks to a coupon for Michael’s in today’s paper (I saved $11.02!), I gave it a shot.

I took art lessons way, way back in the day. So long ago, I remember my sister ripping a picture of Debbie Gibson out of a magazine for inspiration. She did a really great job on that sketch.

I was never really good. That’s why I took band in middle and high school. I can play a mean etude on the flute, but I don’t know my oils from acrylics or my (canv)ass from a hole in the ground, if you will.

No pictures of Debbie Gibson this time. I couldn’t think of what to paint, so I just traced a metal alligator decoration I picked up in New Orleans last week. It’s funky, it was the right size and it makes a neat pop art picture.

Ok, so Andy Warhol I am not.

The gator started out alright, but I don’t know anything about mixing colors to make other colors. I’d hoped for an aquamarine background, but ended up with Miami Dolphins green. Then realizing that the Miami Dolphins green would clash with the gator, I wanted to do an orange to separate the two. Then the orange turned out kind of peach-ish and now my gator looks like it’s sitting on a plate.

It’s ugly, I know. It’s my first attempt and I don’t think I’ve ever worked with oils before.

I’ve got a lot to learn.

First, don’t use too much paint. That thing’s not going to dry for three days.

Second, never leave your masterpiece sitting out to dry on the kitchen counter when you have a cat.

Now I have a cat with three teal paws and no idea how to clean them. Thor’s got dagger-like nails and I do value my arms and face. I tried soaking a washcloth and holding him down, but he wriggled free and left Miami Dolphins green paw prints all over the floor.

I’m more of a Saints fan.

I thought my masterpiece was ruined, although it was probably ruined the second I put paint on the canvas.

But Thor’s touch gave my painting the texture I was trying to achieve all along.

I think I’ve found my gimmick.

If only Thor wasn’t so moody.

Typical artist type.