Extraordinary Me

A few blogs ago, I mentioned my addiction to text messaging.

Turns out texting is a gateway to a much bigger problem.

I’m now addicted to communication in general. In fact, I’m writing this blog as fast as I can because my laptop is about to run out of battery power. Because I watched a woot-off all the way to Indian River County and back.

Come on Nanos!!!

I’m constantly updating my Twitter, I’m adding photos to my Flickr, and hell, I’m even blogging for once. Meanwhile, I’m texting at least two people on my phone right now.

I think my problem worsened earlier this week when I got a new (to me) computer. Sure it has some undiagnosed problem that causes it to freeze every so often. But it’s soooo fast. I updated my iPod and loaded up Trillian in no time.

And some Dell guy got my computer up in working from India. Communication is amazing!!!

I instant messaged friends to get computer advice, they sent me links to an online site to buy more RAM. Installed it today and the computer is still freezing.

Looks like I’ve got a hot date tonight with Dell support.

ADDICT.

Ok…16 minutes of battery power left. Back to the woot-off.

If you’re ever in the mood for a good scare, watch the show My Big Redneck Wedding.

It’s a reality show that follows redneck couples to the alter, or tree stand as it may be. Surprisingly, not all of the shows are shot in the South. But all of the shows feature WalMart in some way, shape or form. In one classic episode, the future wife buys her entire wedding ensemble in the hunting aisle.

Notice the kid in camo, although it’s a little hard because he sort of blends in with the tree. That’s what frightens me about this show. These people are going to reproduce. Most likely, a lot. And they’ll spawn a whole new generation of people who think muddin’ is a real sport, voting Republican is the only way, harmless animals should be shot for sport, and hair should be shorter in the front, long in the back.

Speaking of big redneck weddings…

OK Magazine is obviously obsessed with the Spears sisters. Check out the latest issue:

Now I ask you, what kind of details can you report about a pregnant 16-year old and her shotgun wedding?

The bride will be wearing Vera Wang. Father of the bride will be holding a .22.

And her baby is already on the way!

Hello apocalypse.

Showgirls is one of the most awful, trashy, fantastic movies ever made. It’s like a bad car wreck, everytime I see it on TV I can’t turn it off.

In case you’ve never suffered/enjoyed a showing of Showgirls, it stars ole’ Jesse whatsherface from Saved By the Bell. Remember that episode where she and Kelly and Lisa were forming a girl group but she also had to study for school and she was so busy she got addicted to caffeine pills and then Zack had to intervene and she had a really dramatic breakdown?

Don’t look at that picture too long. Anyhoo, that’s how she acts through this whole movie.

So Showgirls is rated R or NC-17 or whatever, but it’s worse than any dirty movie I’ve ever seen. Besides the bad acting, bad dancing, bad writing, and the fact that Jesse’s face never matches the rest of her body (strangely, it’s lighter), there’s a lot of really really gross plot details. I won’t go into the details, but if you’ve seen it, you know what I’m talking about. Hello, the whole pool scene and the part where she’s dancing with that dude on the chair? YUCK.

Anyway, for some reason, VH1 finds it necessary to run Showgirls on a fairly regular basis. I just couldn’t resist watching it again tonight. And I was curious, how would they get around the abundant nudity, the rampant cussing, the gang rapes and everything else?

Along with a heavy, HEAVY hand in the editing room, I noticed this other amusing attempt to disguise this expensive porn as a real film.

Here’s a screen shot of the big dance scene after Jesse pushes the other chick down the stairs and gets the lead:

Notice the awesomely fake bikini top she’s sporting. Instead of just slapping a mosaic over her mammaries, someone thought it would be a better idea to photoshop a top on her. Even better, it looks like they used the block function in Microsoft Paint…you know, the one that makes everything you draw look like you’re a kindergartner on crack?

This cartoon/live action technique is one fairly uncommon in the movie world. There was that Michael Jordan movie with Bugs Bunny (or was that a commercial?). And who could forget Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

But I think my favorite cartoon/live action movie is the long-forgotten Disney classic Song of the South.

Whatever happened to that movie? I remember watching it as a kid on the big outdoor screen at Fort Wilderness Campground. Now Disney acts like it never existed. Sure there are heavy racial undertones, but does Walt really expect us to believe that Br’er Rabbit just came out of thin air?

Although I don’t remember Br’er Bear and Br’er Fox getting involved in some homoerotic behavior in the movie like they do on Splash Mountain.

But that’s a fun and successful ride, based on a live action/cartoon movie. So maybe Disney should develop a ride for the newest live action/cartoon, Showgirls.

Zip-a-Dee-Doo-DAH!!

I cover a lot of stories about death. Car wrecks, plane crashes, heck, even people getting eaten by alligators.

Sometimes the subject keeps me up at night. When will I die? Will it be quick or painful, a bitter end or a sweet release. I fear going too soon and missing out on all the good stuff this world has to offer.

And I also worry about the whole afterlife thing. Yes, I do believe in Heaven and all the jazz that goes with getting in. But I’m worried as I stand there on Judgement Day, God will be like, “Remember that time when…see ya later.”

So for many reasons, one being that I hope to have more Pros than Cons on my life list when I depart this world, I’m trying to do more good in 2008.

It started with my volunteering at the Salvation Army. I recently joined Habitat for Humanity, and not to toot my own horn, but I’m a master at the circular saw.

There are so many people doing so many good things for others in this world, but I saw something today that really got my goat, so to speak.

On many afternoons, you’ll see protesters lining the sidewalk outside the local Planned Parenthood. They hold up signs saying “Planned Parenthood kills more babies than anyone else”.

Now I don’t know the right answer to the whole Roe vs. Wade debate. And I certainly don’t have any first-hand knowledge. But I can only imagine that ending a pregnancy is a very private and difficult decision. So I wonder why these people feel it’s a good idea to stand outside and make these women feel any worse than they already do.

Wouldn’t their time be better spent volunteering with a pregnant moms program? Perhaps they could counsel people who decided to keep their babies. Hell, they could probably do a lot of things more worthwile than protesting outside Planned Parenthood (like work at McDonalds).

Anyway, it reminds me of a man I met a while back. He’s retired and lives in a beautiful home, with a dock on waterway leading right out to the Atlantic Ocean. He had a beautiful boat tied up behind his beautiful home. A beautiful boat that he hadn’t used in two years because he was too busy fighting to keep fluoride out of the county’s water system.

The whole time I sat there talking to him, I could only think one thing…

“Priorities, man.”

So I guess the moral of this story is to make every day count. I know that’s lame, ’cause I really didn’t do anything worthwhile today. And I’m staying up so late writing this that I’ll be blowing off Habitat yet again tomorrow.

But maybe if we all did one random act of kindness this week, the Big Guy upstairs and the little guy down here might both be a little happier.

Emme has spoken.

I have a type - tall, thin, rocker dudes. Tattoos preffered.

But you might be surprised to know I have another, very different type.

Blond, sweaty, long-haired, pumped-up professional wrestlers.

My dear friend pointed this out the other day. We had just talked to someone who attented WrestleMania XXIV in Orlando. I’m sure you’ve seen the YouTube videos by now. Fireworks malfunctioned, shot down into the crowd and caused some minor injuries. (Although if you saw Inside Edition’s piece on the event, you’d think 50 people died at the thing.)

Anyway, it reminded me of a time when I was real pumped about the WWE, although it was still the WWF at the time, before that organization with the sweet panda bear for the logo got all huffy and sued…which reminds me…

Allow me to go off topic for a second…

So a few years ago, I’m doing what we called an “on-scene”. It started raining. My photog grabbed the only umbrella he could find in the truck, a smelly, old World Wildlife Federation umbrella. I held it up for the report. No less than five people in the field and back at the station watched me tape that report. No one said ANYTHING about seeing that panda and that WWF logo on TV. Until I got back to the station and every manager and their brother came up to me to tell me how bad that was.

Now I know we should never show logos on the news, but I ask you, do you really think people would get so upset about an organization that supports cuddly animals? And for goodness sakes, put a damn plain umbrella in the truck! And one person on my back was enough!!

But I digress…

So I used to watch the WWF(E) all the time. Sure it’s a little fake, and the storylines are about as deep as a porno, but it’s entertaining.

Plus the guys are freakin’ HOTT:

Hello, Chris Jericho.

So this week I realized I need to start watching Raw again. I mean, what else is on on Monday nights anyway? And I still need to go to some WWE event…if only to find my future husband:

Do you smell what the ‘Em is cooking?

My name is Emme, and I’m a text-aholic.

24 hours a day, seven days a week, I LUV TXTNG.

I don’t know what it is…the little envelope that appears on my phone, the chipper chime that alerts me to a message…I just love all of it. And I’m pretty good at texting too. With predictive text turned on, I can quickly run out of characters with my long messages.

There’s something about a text message that says “I’m thinking about you”. Texts are a great way to share a laugh with someone, to carry on a conversation without interrupting whatever else they’re doing. (Of course that conversation could last all day. I have learned that if you’re trying to make plans or get an answer to something important, texting is NOT the way to go.)

When my friend passed away last summer, I sent a text to three dear friends who I thought might be up and able to talk at 4 a.m. My friend K happened to be checking on her baby. She called and we both cried and then laughed together for an hour. I couldn’t just call anyone and wake them up, but with a simple text, I was able to reach someone who helped me.

I read a study once about teens and texting:

“A survey of 575 South Korean high school students found that the top third of users - students who used their phones more than 90 times a day - frequently did so because they were unhappy or bored. They scored significantly higher on tests measuring depression and anxiety than students who used their phones a more sedate 70 times daily.”

So I thought the study was more about teens feeling depressed because they weren’t getting texts, but anyway…

With the growing popularity of texting over the last couple of years, I think a new type of relationship has emerged:

Text Buddy

It’s someone you may not necessarily call on the phone, but enjoy talking to nonetheless. Usually someone of the opposite sex, maybe an old flame or a future interest. Someone who’s witty and wise, and preferrably someone with unlimited texting.

My first text relationship had to be J in Texas. He would send me messages of encouragement while I struggled to stay awake on the morning shift. Then there was A who always made me laugh with his crazy and sometimes very wrong, but oh so right remarks. I even had M who tried to send me some spicy texts (that also doesn’t work very well.)

Recently my phone has been a little quiet. Maybe their phone plans changed, maybe they found new text buddies. I’ve certainly done my fair share of texting around.

My thumbs are itching, so I’m holding auditions for a new text buddy. Applicants should be cute, funny and they need to laugh at my jokes. Unlimited texting is a must, and I want more than one-word responses. This text buddy should watch some of the same TV shows I do, so we can discuss them. Living in the same area or working in the same industry are also pluses. They make for good conversation.

The ideal candidate would not have Sprint (I think that’s the company where when you reply to a text it includes your name, then your message, then the entire message sent to you. You end up getting three texts every time a Sprint customer replies.)

And previous text buddies, feel free to apply again.

You know how to reach me.

I love my DVR.

I picked him up on the day February sweeps began last year, just in time to catch the new episode of Grey’s Anatomy.

In the year that we’ve been together, we’ve had our ups and downs. When daylight savings time ended, he got a little depressed and out of sorts. Recording what it said was Ugly Betty on Fridays and the Office on Mondays, and capturing half of Law and Order: Accounting Department.

I haven’t always been the best to him either. There are the times I come out to watch Days of Our Lives and notice the digital clock display has been replaced by a series of dashes. But we quickly resolved that problem with a phone call to Comcast and a deduction of $120 from my bank account.

And sure, I compare him a lot to my old Brighthouse DVR. He doesn’t let me record first run only. I can’t manually set the time I want recordings to start or stop, and if I cancel the capturing of one episode, I cancel them all.

But I’ve been willing to look past his shortcomings and focus on the positives: He’s HDTV ready (now all I need is an HDTV). He seems to store a lot of shows. And he likes to remember the good times. An episode of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip is still scheduled to record on June 18th of last year. I don’t have the heart to break it to him that the show’s not coming back.

However, this week he committed a sin that will be very hard to forgive. My DVR library has been skimpy as of late thanks to the writer’s strike. So I’m picking up new shows I normally wouldn’t watch, and returning to some old favorites that I’d turned my back on. Thursday night’s lineup is uncomplicated: Lost, Lost, Lipstick Jungle and Eli Stone. Only two shows running at the same time, nothing to cancel out any other scheduled recording.

So why, I ask him, why did he only record the rerun of Lost and Eli Stone? What happened to the other two shows? He had no answer. And he wouldn’t let me go back to look at the data from the 8 to 11 prime time schedule to figure out where we’d gone wrong.

I was steamed for sure. I mean, there is NOTHING on TV right now. And I can only watch the Gauntlet on MTV so many times.

Just when I thought it was over between us, he goes and does something that makes me love him all over again.

As I cleaned out some of the reruns from December, I selected an episode of what was supposed to be Chuck. I discovered it was instead the Saturday Night Live Christmas special.

A hidden treasure, a secret gem, a belated Christmas present from my DVR to me.

I love my DVR.

(But I sure do like that sound effect the TiVO makes when you fast forward.)

I think New Year’s Eve parties are overrated.

So much pressure, so much buildup, a few hugs and a glass of bad champagne at midnight, then driving home when you shouldn’t. I attempted to go out this year, but bailed around 10:30 and came home to watch Bad Santa and drink champagne on the couch.

Which explains why I’m blogging at 2:15 on New Year’s Day.

I certainly am enjoying the America’s Next Top Model Cycle 1 marathon on TV right now. It’s far better than all the countdowns and year in review shows on every other channel.

Even though I hate those shows, I’ll present to you my own look back on 2007:

January: On the 1st, I promised to blog more. On the 2nd, I was homeless. Lived in a spare room with two cats for about three weeks, then packed everything up and left Orlando. Landed in South Florida on January 27th and started my new job 2 days later.

February: Kicked a** and took names at my new job. Made some new friends. Got flowers from two different people on Valentines Day, then met my boyfriend the day after. Attempted surfing.

March: Taste of Chaos Tour in Orlando. Took a bunch of pictures for a blog that still hasn’t been written. Spent time with old friends. Headache on the 18th.

April: My birthday! Headache the following day.

May: New friends get married. Sister gets married. Buy a new car. Go to Lion Country Safari. Realize car has paint problem (another blog that never happened.) Lots of boating and headaches.

June: Too poor from getting the car painted to do much this month.

July: No money, no excitement. My dear Spike goes to Heaven, followed closely by my dear friend, Troy. Sadness.

August: For some reason, I can’t remember this month! Let’s fast forward…

September: Trip to Panama City. Old friend gets married. Great food, good dancing, but a town I can barely recognize anymore, so a touch of sadness. (Another unwritten blog, ARGH!)

October: New photographer/friend. Great times in West Palm. Discover Respectable Street. Guitar Hero parties. Lots of headaches.

November: Blue October, Shiny Toy Guns, Lovedrug and Yellowcard in Orlando. Gators demolish FAU in Gainesville and I attempt to play Orange and Blue on my piccolo. Air Show and mom’s birthday. Too much fun.

December: Buzz Bake Sale. Christmas parties. Volunteering. Weeks off of work. Chipotle comes to West Palm Beach!! Dance Dance Revolution and Wii parties. Hanging out in Melbourne. Watching the Flyers beat the Panthers. Many, many headaches.

Which brings me back to this very moment. Here’s a look back at 2008 so far: Champagne, kisses, pizza, Bad Santa, laundry and Top Model.

I hope it only gets better! Happy New Year everybody!

I have a strange pet peeve. I hate HATE empty big box stores.

Major chain stores (mainly the big, bad W) have a tendency to grow with time…especially when 16-year olds keep having babies. (You can take the girl out of Louisiana, but you can’t take Louisiana out of the girl.)

Growth means expansion. And if there’s no room to expand, the company will just close the store, mow down a whole lot of unsuspecting trees and build a newer, bigger and brighter version nearby. Then the original store sits empty because there’s not another retailer big enough to fill it. Or it becomes a FEMA office or a place to buy cheap Halloween costumes.

So I was pleasantly surprised to see one Florida county turn their abandoned mall into a county office annex.

But the transformation is a little strange…

This is the main area, the center court if you will. This is where Santa would sit if there were customers and kids. Notice the fancy, slightly 80ish, geometric styles of the fountain. Palm trees, crotons, landscaping all around. Sun streams in from the skylights overhead.

Take a closer look. The fountain was drained long ago. The trees and plants are all brown and dusty, forgotten by time and water. Even the lights seem slightly dimmer. The muzak still plays, but it echoes ominously throughout the empty halls.

Some groups put up new walls and doors, outfitting their offices to suit their needs. Other agencies decided not to make any changes:

You’ll notice that’s an old GNC, complete with the signs advertising vitamins.

About 10 agencies call the old mall home now. There’s also plenty of room for future expansion:

Ok, I’ve been trying for months to come up with something clever about an agency that could go into “the gap”. I took these pictures back in July (as I said before, I have a lot of catching up to do.) After 5 long months of thinking, I still don’t have anything, so you’re just going to have to look at the stupid picture and come up with something yourself.

I’m also struggling with a way to sum up this post. I really didn’t have much of a point, other than I hate empty big box stores and repurposed malls are kind of creepy. So ponder those jewels of wisdom for a few minutes as I leave you with one more picture that pretty much sums up this blog:

Get it? It’s empty.

Like my head.

There’s an old saying, idle hands are the devil’s playground or something. I have a lot of time off that I’m burning right now, not a lot of money to go anywhere and nothing really to do to keep myself occupied.

So I found a new project, and this week I have a new appreciation of the work charities do to make Christmas bright for disadvantaged kids.

I adopted an angel from the Salvation Army’s Angel Tree. My 12-year old girl Jennifer wanted a bike, a CD player with music and some makeup, along with some clothes and a pair of new shoes. Simple enough, I bought everything but the bike and planned to call it a day.

But when I went to drop off my donations, I soon realized I couldn’t just walk away from the huge need for money, gifts and most importantly, volunteers.

That’s only half of the bags Salvation Army volunteers filled this Christmas. And I can proudly say I helped. After a five-minute training course about what to do, I played Santa for hundreds of kids.

And that’s an awesome feeling.

We filled bags full of toys, some donated by the community, others purchased by the Salvation Army. Every kid got three toys and a outfit if we could find one that fit. As we went through the massive pile of un-adopted angels, the piles of toys also disappeared. It took hours and days, in a hot, dirty building at the fairgrounds.

I loved every minute of it, but I felt guilty about not getting my angel her bike.

My hairdresser did too, so she gave me money to buy a shiny new Huffy. Unassembled bike secured, I raced back to the fairgrounds to drop it off, but the volunteers had already locked up and gone home for the day.

The bike sat in its box in my car until Sunday, when I decided to put it together. (I mean, who knows if Jennifer has a parent who could do it?) And I got a crash course in bike assembly.

Why pay $10 extra to have some high-schooler assemble it at Toys R Us?

I went back for one last morning of volunteering Monday. This is the day we’d been waiting for, the day when parents come to pick up their bags of gifts.

Now I’m new at this whole charity thing and I guess I’m a little naive. I must admit, I expected people to be a little more grateful for our hard work, and the generousity of others. But I heard a lot of questions like, “Where’s MY bike?” or “Is that all?”. And one woman even left her kid’s bag of toys in the parking lot, saying it was all junk. I had actually filled that bag myself. Needless to say, that kid’s not getting back on the list for next year.

To be fair, there were a lot of people who thanked us and said Merry Christmas. I guess the holidays, like hurricanes, bring out the best and worst in people.

But my angel got her bike, fully assembled and complete with a hot pink helmet.

And I hope that at least one kid, or maybe all 800, have a very Merry Christmas.

Now what should I do this week?